If Metal Was a Hot Chick You Were Copulating With, what would happen: (a study of different sub-genres)

Death Metal: She strangles you with the umbilical cord of her 3rd-trimester aborted child and chops off your testicles with a rusty knife, then urinates on your corpse.

Progressive Metal:She ignores you completely and masturbates instead.

Black Metal: She drags you to the forest and sodomizes you with a crucifix, then accuses you of being a Zionist, communist homosexual and stabs you to death. She then burns your body for the glory of Odin and offers herself to a goat.

Power Metal: N/A. No hot chick listens to power metal. Unless you're a chubby-chaser.

Doom Metal: She whines about you thrusting too fast, then begins sobbing. She wonders why no one understands her, passes out from too much absinthe, and you don't get laid that night.

Grindcore: She gets you off in 30 seconds or less.Folk Metal: The session ends in disgust before it really started, because flutes simply aren't meant for certain orifices.

Thrash Metal:You both have really sloppy, fast-paced sex then never see her for years. When she shows up again, she's gained 40 pounds, and she's bald.

Metalcore: You have awesome sex, and then you find out she's 15. You get arrested.